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This text for a future song shows clear ideas and
techniques of writing. The most important components of lyrics are
well defined, conceived, and used. The simplicity of writing is
essential for reaching a large prospective audience. The lines are
easy to follow and understand - you did a very good job!
"You can't run, You can't hide" accomplishes what a good
title should do - it gives a clear idea of what a listener should
expect, and awakes the interest. The title is consistent with the
feelings propagated through the lyric and those two lines are strategically
repeated in the Chorus, so the listener has more chances to remember
it - well thought!
The title is one of the elements of a song that a listener will
remember and look for, but only if she/he likes the song. The fist
thing a prospective fan will hear, besides the music intro if any,
is the first lines of the text. So let's look at yours.
"You are the fines thing I have ever seen..."
While in the above words there is some mass appeal, I doubt it is
a significant one. Most people at some point of their lives have
thought the same or similar words, and probably most of them have
thought the above for more than one thing/person.
So, you are starting with something that many have experience with
and think they know what it is. Actually it is over used and is
a nice cliché - you'd better stay away from similar phrases
as starting lines. While a cliché may be good for the end
of a Chorus or Verse, you need to give the listener a new experience
at the start, or if you are giving it later, to make them keep listening.
The first one or two lines of a song must say - "keep listening".
They have to be intriguing. They have to attract the listener's
interest.
Considering the above, compare the first 2 lines of the first verse
with those 2 lines of the second or third one.
2° verse:
" I see you with other men / You say their just your friends..."
3° verse:
"I'm just like the others / cause I wanna be your lover..."
To me the latests are more appealing. They make me guess, they
make me think of different situations, and most importantly - they
make me keep read/listen to see how it goes.
You have a couple of options to improve the start:
1. Change the line:
"You are the finest girl I've ever dreamed to see/about";
or
"I've seen many things but nothing was as fine/dreamful/gracious
as you".
2. Use the second or third verse in place of the first one.
Let's move forward.
In the second verse there are a few things that could easily be
improved.
Let's look at lines 2, 3, and 4:
"You say they're just your friends
I envy all your friends
I wish I was one of them"
The above seems talking and it would have a more song important
accent if slightly modified. Since the word "friend" is
repeated, you could simply repeat it once more to further increase
the tension:
"I wish I was your friend".
Otherwise you could switch line ends:
"I envy all of them
I wish I was your friend"
The last three lines:
"is to get with you
But You play hard to get
and I get frustrated..."
are somehow not enough elaborated. How? Too much "get"
there.
You could try something like:
"is to be with you
but you play hard to get
and I feel frustrated".
And here comes the third verse. It seems just fine except for the
fact that I don't see how the following lines fit with the rest:
"We'll be close like we were brothers
I'll care just like your mother"
Thus, right after saying that you are just like the others - wanna
be her lover. Does it make sense? Maybe there's something important
and untold behind those words, but it'll be disappointing to the
listener. I simply don't understand the meaning of those words -
if it makes sense to you, make sure it makes sense to the listener
too.
The most important element of a song is the Chorus. Yours is well
built with context and rhyme. The title has its place in Chorus
and that's helpful for the entire song. There is one word though
that bothers me since the first time I read the lyric:
"..will find it's way into yours somehow". Somehow?
How? Or, when? As a listener I'd like to hear something that gives
me satisfaction. It is too vague. Anything concrete would work better.
Give a try to:
"one day", "tonight". Personally,
I think that ending a phrase with "...ow" does not sound
elegant, and if the singer is not "above average" it will
represent difficulties for him/her.
Anyway you did a very good job in writing the lyric - you stay
on focus thru the song and use words that are easily appealing to
the audience.
And in case you decide to use the second or third verse instead
of the first, you could use that as a bridge. It'll be fine for
that purpose and the "You are the finest thing I have ever
seen" fits greatly trhe purpose of a bridge. Just use "girl"
instead of "thing"!
Great job again, looking forward to listen to the music too!
Knoops
for MSSVision.com
- May 21, 2004
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